Make It Personal

Hey, I’m 57 and just beginning to understand some things…

I am not stupid but I am finding that I am ignorant (or at the least unaware) on some rather big issues.

I am learning, because I’m willing to, and more so because…
I am lucky & blessed to have women who have come through my life that dared to share..
…their stories, with their vulnerabilities, their fears and even their judgments. They made it Personal… and because of these amazing woman, I have been given the opportunity explore and challenge myself toward change.

The current ‘me’ pretty much doesn’t fit the ‘in you face’ attributes of the stereotypical white male living under the patriarchal umbrella. I am a very lucky fellow.

Here’s what’s so special and valuable about making things Personal. It gives US the opportunity to relate – because it’s a person, sharing their experience(s), not the relating someone else’s experience or parroting someone else’s words – its so very real. When I hear a catch phrase, a slogan, a rant or some such thing over & over, relatability starts to fall away. I tend to start to numb under the info barrage and the message eventually becomes just words or noise amidst all the clanging of social & mass media.

Given the opportunity to connect with YOUR experience, it can ignite empathy in me. It makes it Personal. If you (a person), talk to me (a person) and don’t automatically lump me in with ‘them’ (men et al or maybe those that hurt you), the conversation becomes more pliable, and with that, receptivity expands.

I remember my first experience of this type of thing with a lovely woman willing to lead the way and to practice this with me. I had just begun my ‘conscious journey’ and was struggling with admiring pretty woman (because I had the idea that spiritual people didn’t do such things). She smiled and said “its ok, its natural and normal. Where guys get into trouble is they camp there (energetically & in action) – don’t do that”

With the ever changing Tribe of Woman I’ve encountered, we’ve covered such volatile topics from rape to abortion and the trials of female puberty. I can tell you that sometimes it was not pretty and never easy but I walked away with better understanding than I ever would have the anger and blame filled words that readily fall from people’s mouths.

I am truly sorry for my role in all the hurt, for the times where I acted out of integrity or ignorance. I hear you… on your (repeated) hurt – really. I acknowledge it’s not your job to fix this or train men… yet making it Personal to another person, could change the world

~kenji

Thanksgiving

I am thankful that death brushed my face just enough to wake me up.
I am thankful for those that love me, regardless…
I am thankful for those that do not love me
because the cause me to grow
so it is with gratitude that I great this day

Love showed herself….

…to me, briefly….

Jet Black Hair, Almond Eyes and an Ageless Spirit

She was here for a Time, and then gone to Far Away Lands

She returned one other time, Intense, and…, Sweet

Was it, is it… meant to be, still remains Unknown

I feel the need to Embody a fuller life of Gratitude and Love

Maybe then Obstacles will be Removed and the way will Open for Love

Whatever form She may take

~kenji

Hold Love Loosely

Hold love loosely, yeah… that’s my motto.

It’s been working for awhile. It’s beautiful,
hold those you love loosely.
Then…, if they go…,
they go, having loved them fully while they were here.
Except…,
I haven’t ‘really’ loved since adopting this philosophy.
I have been loved, wonderful sweet connections,
deeply real with me being fully present for my part,
you might even call it… love, but not the ‘in love’ part.

Well…,
that has been pretty much one way, directed to me.
Yes, it’s been a regular love fest
filling the air with the fragrance of apples,
and…, oranges.
Lovely scents to be sure,
enticing all matter of wondrous things.
Nice…, very nice…., sitting there fat and sassy,
comfortable atop my astute philosophy,
all the while holding love loosely;
it was a wonderful life, having become so evolved.

Then comes this pair of eyes.
I have heard them called the windows of the soul,
and now…, I know why.

Anyway, this particular pair of eyes came attached to the whole package,
and I mean…, the whole package, in my very own little ’whole package’ way.
Intelligence, wit, inner and outer beauty, but it’s the eyes,
those damn eyes, with their direct connection to eternity.
They…, THEY are the one thing that truly entrance me, enchant me.
This is new, so very new and I am swiftly lost in their story.
A story of past? A story of future? I just can’t tell at all, and this is – ME…
the one who reads between the lines,
who dances with adversity with a certain fluidity.
Wait, wait…, where are my feet, what the hell.
I am rattled, shaken and feeling so off balance.
It is all so…, so…, very maddening, and…, I am rapidly lost.

Magic hours, words flow unbridled,
secrets dare the light of the moment,
truth hangs in the air, sweet, like jasmine in springtime.
Hurts are revealed, raw…, but finding a balm in this time of tenderness.
Yes, souls…, shown in their nakedness. And..,
bodies, they too…, are shown in their nakedness.
A meeting of lips, hers are amazingly, and…, comfortably familiar.
Where our chests meet, our hearts can be felt beating…
just a mere breath apart.
And in her eyes, the universe lays within.
What the hell is going on.

Suddenly, in our world stood still,
time and commitment – intrudes like a lightning bolt, (god I hate clocks).
Then it is… hasty goodbyes, pausing for a few heartbeats, uncounted,
ending with a sweet caress and, a lingering hug.
Blink…, blink…, she is gone.

Sleep flees me that eve, haunted by eyes, eternal eyes, her eyes.
Fate…, does not let our paths cross for a few days, and…,
when we meet, we talk briefly. For her…, relationship is not allowed.
So walk away is what I must do, should do, I do… do.
Yet when I close my eyes, there she is.
So unfamiliar this place I now am in.

Then comes ‘round another random meeting, polite to be sure,
and it ends with us wrapped in a tender hug,
all the while her heart is pounding so hard that I can feel it… yet…,
away she walks.
Thereafter, she can be seen but I am unseen, invisible.
I do not exist.

This is about the time I remember…, my philosophy.
Hah, easier said than done but now it is time to truly live it.
So…, now I do…, now I do not…, now I do…,
each heartbeat, each minute, each hour, each day,
and all the while – it hurts, it fucking hurts.

I guess it is the same with bodies,
as it is with hearts, it hurts while it heals.
Ahhh…, learning to hold love loosely, not mere words anymore,
such as those that used to fall so easily from my mouth,
but…, for real.., real – to hold love loosely.

In The Flow..

So I will stay here at Esalen in Big Sur, CA… I have been accepted to the 1 year work-study program at Esalen and I am excited (with some trepidation) and look forward to a year of growth plus living in community while working & settling back into my body as well as growing from the inside out… digging deep in a place that allows it.

~Nurtured~
by the Sea,
by the Land,
by the People.

It is way past the time for me to regroup. I’ve shared precious little of the turbulent past year. I feel beaten and tired but definitely not defeated. The hard times have produced wondrous growth and lessons that will be the foundation for my next adventures in life. Already the stage is set with new folk that have already crossed my path reinforcing the value of interdependence.

I am hoping some will choose to visit as it is a great place to see (so contact me if you’re up for it) When I finally do leave.., I hope to bring a contagious loving attitude and energy to all encounter.

I look forward to where my feet will land next (possibly Japan, HI, CA-SF, AZ & OR) and have high hopes of meeting many of you face to face so I can truly know you beyond the cyber & energetic connection we already have. I will have spotty access to the internet here at Esalen so if you want to connect via that avenue, please be patient.

—> I truly have LOVE for those I have connected with as fellow sojourners on this planet.

Take care, and, namaste
(which as I understand it means the god in me acknowledges and recognizes the god in you)

~kenji